


let it out

by turntechCatnip



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Big Gender Feelings, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 08:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechCatnip/pseuds/turntechCatnip
Summary: i wouldnt care if i had to stop being the dave of guy to be happy like that





	let it out

**Author's Note:**

> this is a very purrsonal fic that didnt take long at all to write but was an extremely exhausting process with lots of tears to get out

 

 

 

DAVE: hey you around

DAVE: im fucked

DAVEPETA: B33 < yea im here!

DAVEPETA: B33 < whats up dave

DAVE: i tried the edibles you brought home

DAVE: im in bed and my legs melted i think

DAVE: the blankets are soaking up the leg goo

DAVEPETA: B33 < how many did you have???

DAVE: um

DAVE: they were pretty small so i had like 3 or 4 i think

DAVEPETA: B33 < *they giggle at how dumb their favorite cool guy is being*

DAVEPETA: B33 < just one is a full dose dummy

DAVEPETA: B33 < thats what you get fur not asking furst lmao!

DAVE: lesson learned

DAVE: this is my first time being high i dont think im ready for this

DAVE: it kinda feels like my spine is floating a few inches behind my back

DAVEPETA: B33 < h33h33! its pretty good right

DAVE: i guess so

DAVE: ive definitely never felt anything like it

DAVE: feels like im outside my body or something rn

DAVE: i think i dont mind that

DAVEPETA: B33 < hmmmmm

DAVE: i dont wanna be alone right now though its a little freaky

DAVEPETA: B(( < im sorry im with jade and tz right now dave

DAVEPETA: B// < i could come back but weve been planning this trip fur a while

DAVE: talking on here is enough

DAVEPETA: B33 < anything in purrticular you wanna talk about? B33

DAVE: maybe

DAVE: this shit has got me feeling kinda spiritual

DAVE: really stirring up my astral form and all that shit

DAVEPETA: B33 < i think thats good! it sounds good

DAVE: can i ask you a question that might be kind of shitty

DAVEPETA: B33 < go fur it h33h33

DAVE: why are you a happy person

DAVEPETA: B33 < *they raise a curious eyebrow at that question beclaws it is in fact kind of shitty*

DAVE: i mean like

DAVE: how do you do it

DAVE: because im not happy most of the time

DAVE: even though i feel like i should be

DAVEPETA: B33 < oh

DAVEPETA: B33 < ummmmm

DAVE: its a dumb question idc if you cant answer

DAVEPETA: B33 < its not dumb

DAVEPETA: B33 < it sounds like youre struggling with some purretty serious f33lings

DAVE: i dunno i guess i thought that once we beat the game and beat super buff clown skeleton richard garriott everything would just like

DAVE: come together somehow

DAVE: and id stop being depressed

DAVEPETA: B33 < we both know thats not how that shit works

DAVE: yeah it was dumb

DAVE: but i had to hold onto that to get through all that

DAVE: and now that its all over i dunno where to go from here

DAVE: i thought id feel more comfortable with myself but

DAVE: i think meeting that many different versions of yourself makes it really obvious when youre still not the person you want to be

DAVEPETA: B33 < wait

DAVEPETA: B33 < are you saying what i think youre saying

DAVE: what

DAVE: what do you think im saying

DAVEPETA: B33 < ummm

DAVEPETA: B33 < *they scrunch up their brow bc theyre real d33p in thought trying to find the right words to say*

DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont want make assumptions beclaws we arent the same purrson

DAVEPETA: B33 < but ive had a lot of time to sift through the same 13 years of memories you had before you started playing sburb

DAVEPETA: B33 < realizing all the shit about those years that wasnt really me

DAVEPETA: B33 < and ive got a whole other set of memories that arent me too and its a lot to deal with

DAVEPETA: B33 < i guess im saying i know what not being who you want to be f33ls like and i dealt with that by being davepeta

DAVE: wish that was an option fur me

DAVEPETA: B33 < !

DAVE: fuck i didnt mean

DAVE: ugh i dont know what i meant

DAVE: look im dumb as shit and really stoned youre gonna have to put up with me saying some stupid stuff

DAVEPETA: B33 < its not stupid if its how you were f33ling in the moment

DAVEPETA: B33 < unfortunately though i spend purretty much all my time being me! i dunno if you can fit into the schedule anywhere

DAVE: heh

DAVE: im jealous of how happy you are i guess

DAVE: i wouldnt care if i had to stop being the dave of guy to be happy like that

DAVEPETA: B|| < seriously dave i cant tell if youre intentionally trying to drop hints or if youre totally oblivious to what it sounds like youre saying lol

DAVE: what

DAVEPETA: B33 < can we make this a group chat with rose

DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

DAVE: i dont know i dont really want her to start with her hack psych shit when im actually feeling kind of uncomfortably vulnerable

DAVEPETA: B33 < i think if i tell her what youre saying shell try not to step over any lines

DAVE: then

DAVE: sure i guess

 

\---

 

ROSE: Hello, Dave. When Davepeta told me you were in the midst of a drug binge and identity crisis I came as fast as I could. I've brought all the equipment necessary to film the afterschool special, so we can warn the impressionable youths of Earth C about the dangers of the Devil's lettuce.

DAVE: dammit dp you said she was gonna take this seriously

DAVEPETA: B|| < rose! >B((

ROSE: Sorry. I had to get one jab in before we got into it.

DAVE: yeah whatever

DAVE: i get it id probably do the same

DAVE: only less pretentious and more gross

ROSE: Is it alright if I read over the logs of your chat? It would be faster than having you try to re-explain everything to me.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i say go fur it but its daves call

DAVE: yeah thats fine

ROSE: ...

ROSE: Hmm. I have to agree with Davepeta. It does feel like you're dropping hints, but knowing you I think it's equally likely you don't understand at all the implications of your choice of words.

DAVE: seriously what the fuck do you guys think im hinting at

ROSE: I'm going to attack this directly.

ROSE: Dave, have you ever thought about how you would look in a dress?

DAVE: what

DAVE: how is that relevant at all

DAVE: dammit you said she wasnt going to do her shitty shrink routine

ROSE: With all due respect to you, as someone who I have become comfortable with calling family over the years I've known you, and someone I love and care about deeply,

ROSE: Shut the fuck up.

ROSE: I am asking you a question that relates to my journey to adulthood in an incredibly personal way. A question that takes me back to a time in my life I don't like thinking about anymore. A question that lead to a lifesaving moment of self-discovery as I was coming into puberty.

DAVE: wait

DAVE: are you asking if im

DAVE: i mean

DAVE: no i dont think so

DAVE: but

DAVE: how are you supposed to know for sure

ROSE: I don't think every trans person knows for sure. For a lot of us it's a difficult thing we continue to struggle with, even long after we start making changes to become the person we want to be.

ROSE: But you could start by answering the question.

DAVE: i

DAVE: well after i met davepeta sure

DAVE: but isnt that like a natural thing to be curious about after meeting a sexy cat offshoot of yourself that looks good wearing basically anything

ROSE: Maybe.

ROSE: It doesn't have to mean anything deep.

ROSE: But that's where it started for me. Just curiosity.

ROSE: And curiosity turned into something more, as I realized maybe there was a root cause for why I felt like I couldn't be happy.

DAVEPETA: B// < i dont want to pull the i have most of the same memories as you card dave but youve definitely thought about that before m33ting me

DAVE: i dont remember that

DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont think you want to remember it

DAVEPETA: B33 < theres a lot i think you dont want to remember

DAVEPETA: B33 < the furst 13 years of your life were fucking horrible and sometimes your brain is going to k33p shit from you to k33p you from being hurt by it

DAVE: can we slow down

DAVE: this is fucking overwhelming right now and im still too high

ROSE: We can take as much time as you need.

DAVE: so what

DAVE: are you saying i need to have some kind of momentous gender self discovery like you two to be happy

ROSE: I'm not saying you _need_ anything specific. But with how you're talking about how you're not happy being yourself...

ROSE: You understand the implications we pick up on when you say you wouldn't care if you had to stop being the "Dave of Guy" to be happy, right?

ROSE: I think you should just think about it.

ROSE: And I know it's scary to think about. I know you know it's scary.

ROSE: I haven't forgotten your ramblings about societal pressure surrounding masculinity and sexuality on that lily pad all those years ago.

DAVE: oh what

DAVE: you heard all that

ROSE: ...

ROSE: Dave, I was sitting not 10 feet away from you, and you weren't exactly whispering. You sounded worryingly frantic, if anything.

DAVEPETA: B33 < i wasnt there but karkat and john have talked about it with me

DAVEPETA: B33 < im not saying you have to arrive at the same answers rose or i did but i agree that you should just

DAVEPETA: B33 < think about what gender purrsonally means to you

DAVEPETA: B33 < beclaws

DAVEPETA: B33 < ugh i dont want to say shit thats not my place to say beclaws we arent the same purrson at all B((

DAVE: its cool

DAVE: i dont think anything you could say at this point would be crossing any lines

DAVE: i trust you two

DAVE: but i cant feel my eyeballs right now and im freaking out about that a little

ROSE: You really should pay attention to recommended doses before engaging in recreational drug use, Dave.

ROSE: Go on though, Davepeta?

DAVEPETA: B33 < i think i know you well enough to say that youre purrobably gonna come to a pretty similar conclusion to how i feel

DAVEPETA: B33 < gender isnt something i really get! it doesnt make any fucking sense to me so i just said fuck it

DAVEPETA: B33 < id rather be a cat than a boy or girl or whatever

DAVE: i dont get it either i just try to roll with it

DAVE: and not think about it too much

DAVE: but

DAVE: this is too much at once

DAVE: im scared right now

ROSE: We're here for you. Not just the two of us, but everyone.

ROSE: You have so many people in your life that love you and care about you...

ROSE: I hope that keeping that in mind can help you through this.

ROSE: Having support can make this a little less scary.

 


End file.
